i hate feeling heartsick... But that's all i do when i'm alone. I'm over 2500 miles away from you right now. I'm literally on the opposite side of the country and still you make me sad. New faces and new places, yet you still leave me feeling hollow. I don't do well on my own mentally or emotionally. I need someone, but it's not fair to use them just so i don't have to be alone. I think, in time, the distance will force me to give you up and I'm okay with that. I hope that I will fall just as deeply for the next one and i'll know what to do this time. But until then, please forgive me if i imagine you sleeping beside me when i go to bed at night. I love you and the thought of you puts me at ease. I know its not real, but it comforts me to imagine touching your arm and rubbing my fingers over your temple while you sleep. Please, let me keep this... I know when i wake up you'll be gone, but tonight I need you. Goodnight Cole.

7 months ago

I miss you Cole. There's no point, but i do. And when i leave here in July i want to wash my hands of everything. I'm so afraid of the uncertainty that comes when i leave here. I have no job and hardly any career prospects and a worthless degree. I'm scared... The last 5 years of my life seem such a waste. I could have been a doctor. You could have loved me. My family could have respected me. I could have respected me. I want the next 5 years to mean more than this. I want to start over. A blank slate where i remain self sufficient and pristine. It will take some time to get to that point i know... I owe too much, but i have faith in me. I can do this. i can let go of you and be the person i am meant to be... but still i can't shake this feeling. Who am i without you?

8 months ago

I feel empty and i wanted to go to boston because i was hoping to take a class that might help me have more control and it got cancelled. Now i have the weekend off with nowhere to go and no one to share it with and i'm sick and tired of feeling hollow and thinking about pointless shit. God damn you Cole... I don't want to be alone but i hate most everyone around me because they make things complicated and i don't know what it means to be content. Make it go away. Insatiable greed. I feel like i'm using everyone and am too lazy to use my own two feet. I hate this place so much and the only way to feel better is to leave but i have to wait. Its just a year, but as soon as its over i'm just going to be caught in uncertainty anyway. Why do i ramble so much? Too much shit to think about. I just want to yell obscenties and punch someone without having to apologize for it. Fuck all of you and fuck my insecurities. I wish i could stab them until they were just a bloody huddled mass. This post isn't helping really. I still feel just as empty and violent. Fuck it, i'm going to the gym.

about 1 year ago

Actually a true christian does not allow others to believe what they want. Matthew 28:19 "Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the father, and of the Son, and the Holy Spirit"

about 1 year ago

A true christian allows others to believe what they want yet be patiently there in case they want to know who Jesus is.

about 1 year ago

You don't know it yet, but I'm madly in love with you.

over 2 years ago

Being an adult sucks :-( I wish I didn't have to pay bills and clean up after myself. I know...I'm lazy. 

over 3 years ago

Some days I hate my job, even though I know it's helping lots of people.  I just don't care about them.  I care about me!!! 

over 3 years ago

I feel empty and i wanted to go to boston because i was hoping to take a class that might help me have more control and it got cancelled. Now i have the weekend off with nowhere to go and no one to share it with and i'm sick and tired of feeling hollow and thinking about pointless shit. God damn you Cole... I don't want to be alone but i hate most everyone around me because they make things complicated and i don't know what it means to be content. Make it go away. Insatiable greed. I feel like i'm using everyone and am too lazy to use my own two feet. I hate this place so much and the only way to feel better is to leave but i have to wait. Its just a year, but as soon as its over i'm just going to be caught in uncertainty anyway. Why do i ramble so much? Too much shit to think about. I just want to yell obscenties and punch someone without having to apologize for it. Fuck all of you and fuck my insecurities. I wish i could stab them until they were just a bloody huddled mass. This post isn't helping really. I still feel just as empty and violent. Fuck it, i'm going to the gym.

about 1 year ago

Actually a true christian does not allow others to believe what they want. Matthew 28:19 "Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the father, and of the Son, and the Holy Spirit"

about 1 year ago

A true christian allows others to believe what they want yet be patiently there in case they want to know who Jesus is.

about 1 year ago

You don't know it yet, but I'm madly in love with you.

over 2 years ago

Being an adult sucks :-( I wish I didn't have to pay bills and clean up after myself. I know...I'm lazy. 

over 3 years ago

Some days I hate my job, even though I know it's helping lots of people.  I just don't care about them.  I care about me!!! 

over 3 years ago

I know I'm old enough that this shouldn't bother me.  but two of my former best friends from across the country just got together for a weekend only four hours from me and never mentioned it.  I only found out when I saw their pictures on fucking facebook.  I'm so jealous -- I would love to have seen both of them!  Why didn't they invite me?  Do they still like me???

aarrrgghhh!!!

over 3 years ago

That's better. I typed out two massive, emotional shouts and this shitty spambot deleted them. I suggest the mods of this site make it clearer, plus, I put in a number the first time and it didn't seem to work. Fuckin' technology.

I miss his SMELL. It's stupid, and I'm not in love, but I crave him. I don't want to be weak and silly and emotional, but I crave contact with him. I want him a criminal amount. Which probably isn't great, circumstances considering. It's largely physical, but I kind of want to binge on him, until the attraction and craving is gone. Fuck. Goddam I want that a lot right now.

The stupid thing is I don't feel like I can tell anyone this, and I don't really know why. Other than the assumption being made that I'm a self-absorbed attention seeker who just wants to boast about how much sex she's had. That's annoying too. Is there something wrong with wanting to talk about things happening in your life? Did I miss the class where it was said that it's unacceptable?

over 2 years ago

Maybe I'm too young
To keep good love from going wrong
But tonight, you're on my mind so
You never know

over 2 years ago

Actually a true christian does not allow others to believe what they want. Matthew 28:19 "Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the father, and of the Son, and the Holy Spirit"

about 1 year ago

I'm so tired of waiting. I just want to know. Good or bad. I just want to stop worrying and move on with my life. 

about 1 year ago

Yesterday I committed an act of extreme bravery, and no one will ever know about it but me.

about 1 year ago

I know I'm old enough that this shouldn't bother me.  but two of my former best friends from across the country just got together for a weekend only four hours from me and never mentioned it.  I only found out when I saw their pictures on fucking facebook.  I'm so jealous -- I would love to have seen both of them!  Why didn't they invite me?  Do they still like me???

aarrrgghhh!!!

over 3 years ago

That's better. I typed out two massive, emotional shouts and this shitty spambot deleted them. I suggest the mods of this site make it clearer, plus, I put in a number the first time and it didn't seem to work. Fuckin' technology.

I miss his SMELL. It's stupid, and I'm not in love, but I crave him. I don't want to be weak and silly and emotional, but I crave contact with him. I want him a criminal amount. Which probably isn't great, circumstances considering. It's largely physical, but I kind of want to binge on him, until the attraction and craving is gone. Fuck. Goddam I want that a lot right now.

The stupid thing is I don't feel like I can tell anyone this, and I don't really know why. Other than the assumption being made that I'm a self-absorbed attention seeker who just wants to boast about how much sex she's had. That's annoying too. Is there something wrong with wanting to talk about things happening in your life? Did I miss the class where it was said that it's unacceptable?

over 2 years ago

Maybe I'm too young
To keep good love from going wrong
But tonight, you're on my mind so
You never know

over 2 years ago

Actually a true christian does not allow others to believe what they want. Matthew 28:19 "Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the father, and of the Son, and the Holy Spirit"

about 1 year ago

I'm so tired of waiting. I just want to know. Good or bad. I just want to stop worrying and move on with my life. 

about 1 year ago

Yesterday I committed an act of extreme bravery, and no one will ever know about it but me.

about 1 year ago

I know you love me, however hard you try to hide it. The masks don't help, your body speaks clearly. I know you have a husband... Isn't there a small corner of happiness for us? Is it a sin to love? Is it a sin to throw away love?

7 months ago