i hate feeling heartsick... But that's all i do when i'm alone. I'm over 2500 miles away from you right now. I'm literally on the opposite side of the country and still you make me sad. New faces and new places, yet you still leave me feeling hollow. I don't do well on my own mentally or emotionally. I need someone, but it's not fair to use them just so i don't have to be alone. I think, in time, the distance will force me to give you up and I'm okay with that. I hope that I will fall just as deeply for the next one and i'll know what to do this time. But until then, please forgive me if i imagine you sleeping beside me when i go to bed at night. I love you and the thought of you puts me at ease. I know its not real, but it comforts me to imagine touching your arm and rubbing my fingers over your temple while you sleep. Please, let me keep this... I know when i wake up you'll be gone, but tonight I need you. Goodnight Cole.

7 months ago

DAD, JUST GO TO WORK AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!!!!!

9 months ago

Listening to Jay Brannan sing The Freshman and looking at pictures of you... I miss you and i wish i could have shared more of my life with you. So many things i wish i could have said to you in person... I love you Charnock. It wasn't meant to be, but regardless, I love you and when i leave here i want to find someone half the man you were. Be happy and love her deeply.

about 1 year ago

I feel empty and i wanted to go to boston because i was hoping to take a class that might help me have more control and it got cancelled. Now i have the weekend off with nowhere to go and no one to share it with and i'm sick and tired of feeling hollow and thinking about pointless shit. God damn you Cole... I don't want to be alone but i hate most everyone around me because they make things complicated and i don't know what it means to be content. Make it go away. Insatiable greed. I feel like i'm using everyone and am too lazy to use my own two feet. I hate this place so much and the only way to feel better is to leave but i have to wait. Its just a year, but as soon as its over i'm just going to be caught in uncertainty anyway. Why do i ramble so much? Too much shit to think about. I just want to yell obscenties and punch someone without having to apologize for it. Fuck all of you and fuck my insecurities. I wish i could stab them until they were just a bloody huddled mass. This post isn't helping really. I still feel just as empty and violent. Fuck it, i'm going to the gym.

about 1 year ago

Listening to Jay Brannan sing The Freshman and looking at pictures of you... I miss you and i wish i could have shared more of my life with you. So many things i wish i could have said to you in person... I love you Charnock. It wasn't meant to be, but regardless, I love you and when i leave here i want to find someone half the man you were. Be happy and love her deeply.

about 1 year ago

I feel empty and i wanted to go to boston because i was hoping to take a class that might help me have more control and it got cancelled. Now i have the weekend off with nowhere to go and no one to share it with and i'm sick and tired of feeling hollow and thinking about pointless shit. God damn you Cole... I don't want to be alone but i hate most everyone around me because they make things complicated and i don't know what it means to be content. Make it go away. Insatiable greed. I feel like i'm using everyone and am too lazy to use my own two feet. I hate this place so much and the only way to feel better is to leave but i have to wait. Its just a year, but as soon as its over i'm just going to be caught in uncertainty anyway. Why do i ramble so much? Too much shit to think about. I just want to yell obscenties and punch someone without having to apologize for it. Fuck all of you and fuck my insecurities. I wish i could stab them until they were just a bloody huddled mass. This post isn't helping really. I still feel just as empty and violent. Fuck it, i'm going to the gym.

about 1 year ago

I feel empty and i wanted to go to boston because i was hoping to take a class that might help me have more control and it got cancelled. Now i have the weekend off with nowhere to go and no one to share it with and i'm sick and tired of feeling hollow and thinking about pointless shit. God damn you Cole... I don't want to be alone but i hate most everyone around me because they make things complicated and i don't know what it means to be content. Make it go away. Insatiable greed. I feel like i'm using everyone and am too lazy to use my own two feet. I hate this place so much and the only way to feel better is to leave but i have to wait. Its just a year, but as soon as its over i'm just going to be caught in uncertainty anyway. Why do i ramble so much? Too much shit to think about. I just want to yell obscenties and punch someone without having to apologize for it. Fuck all of you and fuck my insecurities. I wish i could stab them until they were just a bloody huddled mass. This post isn't helping really. I still feel just as empty and violent. Fuck it, i'm going to the gym.

about 1 year ago

Dammit mikey, If you don't want to fill in the details then just say so. "Its not my business," would be just fine. But no, you'd rather leave me flopping around making assumptions trying to figure out what you're talking about. You don't want to be friends with benefits anymore and i'll deal with that, but when you take out the 'with benefits' part it leaves 'friends.' I'm not cryptic with friends and i expect better from mine. Dick. >:/

about 1 year ago

I love him but I'm not in love with him.

He's my second-best friend and hands-down the best lover I've ever had. But I don't want to marry him.

I just wish his fiancee would be ok with the FWB part of our relationship so he didn't have to hide it from her. It's just sex...

...and I worry that he'd leave her for me if I asked him to. Because I don't want him to.

So I wish he'd stop telling me he misses me.

about 1 year ago

Dammit mikey, If you don't want to fill in the details then just say so. "Its not my business," would be just fine. But no, you'd rather leave me flopping around making assumptions trying to figure out what you're talking about. You don't want to be friends with benefits anymore and i'll deal with that, but when you take out the 'with benefits' part it leaves 'friends.' I'm not cryptic with friends and i expect better from mine. Dick. >:/

about 1 year ago

I love him but I'm not in love with him.

He's my second-best friend and hands-down the best lover I've ever had. But I don't want to marry him.

I just wish his fiancee would be ok with the FWB part of our relationship so he didn't have to hide it from her. It's just sex...

...and I worry that he'd leave her for me if I asked him to. Because I don't want him to.

So I wish he'd stop telling me he misses me.

about 1 year ago

I miss you Cole. There's no point, but i do. And when i leave here in July i want to wash my hands of everything. I'm so afraid of the uncertainty that comes when i leave here. I have no job and hardly any career prospects and a worthless degree. I'm scared... The last 5 years of my life seem such a waste. I could have been a doctor. You could have loved me. My family could have respected me. I could have respected me. I want the next 5 years to mean more than this. I want to start over. A blank slate where i remain self sufficient and pristine. It will take some time to get to that point i know... I owe too much, but i have faith in me. I can do this. i can let go of you and be the person i am meant to be... but still i can't shake this feeling. Who am i without you?

8 months ago